Noon on Winter Solstice

Why don’t I feel it?

The slab of sorrow that is slowly poured over my body, and then cements into place like heavy concrete. Constricting my airway. Weighing on my heart. Holding me heavily in place. Rendering my intellect and imagination grey…there are no specks of sparkling silver in this sidewalk, unlike the ones of my childhood, where fisher price roller skates were strapped onto my shoes…little legs buoyed up by your cheers of encouragement.

I know grief. I know how my brain and my body should react. Hell, I even dramatized it here at the beginning of this page.

I suppose I could call it up, summon it from the depths of 8 years ago…except if I’m honest with myself, I think I’ve already tried that.

And it didn’t work. It didn’t plant.

You are Perennial. Yes. That’s it, that’s the answer.

Your love is, and has always been everlasting.

Unfaltering, in every season and storm of my life. Your love and prayers for me thrived.

So much so, that not even death himself could wither your bloom.

Flynn gently plucked your picture off my altar today, and brought it into his room at nap time… simply saying “Nana”, and setting you beside his bed.

And so here I sit, in the quiet of his nap… thinking “this is the moment!” The tears and anguish will finally come flooding through after witnessing the pureness of my child’s understanding. Death and I are well acquainted, you see, so he would know exactly how to turn the taps on my watery heart so that the ashen dirge begins to flow.

But it doesn’t come. I breathe.

I look.

I wait.

And like Persephone, I feel your love as a soft spring breeze, and am warmed by your eternal light.

On the coldest day, and in the darkest, and longest night…your flower will forever abide in me.